Archive for category Humor
Molly just turned 2, which I’m told is the adolescence stage for a dog. The teen years.
She’s a terrific dog and great companion, but I am seeing the emergence of a stubborn/independent streak. Makes me wonder what she’s thinking.
Here’s a possible list of her thoughts:
- I know you’re late for work, but would you chase me around the house for 45 minutes?
- Seriously? It’s raining.
- There’s that cute Golden Retriever. Don’t embarrass me.
- How’s your steak? I’m having dry Purina for dinner.
- I let you win at tug-o-war.
- You had me at belly rub.
- Are you really going to carry that bag around? It’s embarrassing.
- You haven’t petted me for 10 minutes. Did I do something wrong?
- Reindeer antlers aren’t as funny as you think.
- I like to mess with you by barking into the darkness.
- How about a trade—I’ll swap a a bowl of this delicious Purina for a couple of small bites of your greasy, overcooked steak.
- Oh, and your breath is always minty-fresh?
- Give me the word and I’ll rid this neighborhood of squirrels.
- Why did you throw that away that perfectly good piece of grizzle?
- My time on this earth is shorter than yours and I want you to have good memories when I’m gone, so let’s play fetch using pieces of that steak.
Thanksgiving traditionally marks the start of the holiday shopping season. To begin the celebration, let’s see how well you know the holiday with a short quiz (answers below):
- While Christmas is always December 25, where can Thanksgiving be found on the calendar?
- True or false. The origins of Thanksgiving can be traced back to the 1600s?
- Who sings the Thanksgiving Song?
- Which President declared Thanksgiving a national holiday?
- The National Foot League features three games on Thanksgiving day. The Detroit Lions are one of two teams on the schedule each year. Name the other team.
- How much turkey do Americans eat on Thanksgiving?
A) 50 million pounds
B) 250 million pounds
C) More than 750 million pounds
- What is the name of the parade that takes place that day? Bonus points if you know its original name.
- Each year, the President of the United States pardons a turkey. Who started that tradition?
- When the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line opened in 1981, six people responded to 11,000 calls. How many will the call center answer this year?
- Which state produces the most cranberries? Hint: it also leads the nation in production of cheese.
- Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday in November.
- True. The Pilgrims celebrated their first harvest in 1621. According to sources, it included 50 people who traveled on the Mayflower and 90 Native Americans.
- Adam Sandler sings the Thanksgiving Song.
- President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the fourth Thursday in November Thanksgiving in 1863.
- The Dallas Cowboys join the Detroit Lions as NFL regulars on Thanksgiving Day.
- According to the National Turkey Federation, approximately 736 million pounds of turkey were consumed in the United States during Thanksgiving in 2012.
- The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was originally the Macy’s Christmas Parade.
- The origins of the Presidential Turkey Pardon are somewhat fuzzy, but Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy are both believed to have spared a turkey. The first official “pardon” was issued by President George H.W. Bush in 1989. Give yourself a point if you named any of these leaders.
- More than 50 experts on the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line will respond to 100,000 calls this year.
- Wisconsin holds the title of largest producer of cranberries, followed by Massachusetts.
1- 4 You’re at the kids table
5 – 8 You’ve earned an extra serving
9 – 10 The drumstick is yours!
March is an underappreciated month. Its placement between the cold of February and the bloom of April leaves it almost without an identity. But before we sign a petition to delete March from the calendar, let’s look at some of the good things that happen in our third month:
1. Longer days
2. For my Irish friends, St. Patrick’s Day
3. Temperatures become bearable
4. Baseball returns
5. Shrinking snow banks
6. Birthdays of relatives and good friends
7. Pi Day
8. College basketball’s March Madness
9. It’s time to make summer plans
10. First day of Spring
11. March was once the first month of the year. Despite its demotion to the third slot, March hung around.
12. For school kids, March is easier to spell than, say, February.
13. Chuck Norris was born in March (according to the legend, at a hospital he built).
14. Reopening of the local Dairy Queen
15. The late-month storms that reminds us that winter still isn’t over (okay, maybe not so much on this one)
Your turn. What do you like about March?
I’ve always been a bit of a jokester. In my last performance review, my boss mentioned my sense of humor more than anything else (I hope that’s good).
Years ago, a striking lesson taught me the best way to joke at the office, or anywhere else for that matter.
A coworker on the other side of the building had just moved into a new office, complete with a window — a rarity for that particularly company.
He was sitting there, quite pleased, when I stuck my head in. We chatted, spoke about his kids’ photos, etc, and I left with something like, “Cool office. You look right at home.”
The next day he stopped by my office to thank me. When I asked why, he said, “You’re the only one who didn’t make fun of me.” Apparently, others asked who he slept with to get the office, etc.
That hit me like a lightning bolt, and changed the way I joke with people.
Now, I focus on comments that are funny, but positive. For example, if asked about my boss, my reply is something like, “She’s awesome. The best. Very smart, supportive, and never hits me on the nose with a newspaper.”
Okay, it’s a little corny, but you get the point. It’s clever, gets a chuckle, and leaves a positive feeling.
Do no harm
There’s an old saying about truth in jest, and I’ve learned that negative jokes can leave people wondering if you’re serious. Years ago, at a going-away party, my outgoing boss said, “I’ll miss all of you — well, all but one of you …” I thought he was clearly kidding, but a coworker later asked me who the boss meant.
Be funny and kind at the same time. Sometimes that takes a bit of creativity, but the goodwill it generates is worth the effort.
Your turn? How do you kid around the office?
Texting while driving is against the law in many states, but people do many other, um, interesting things in the car.
He’s one observer’s list of unusual things drivers have been seen doing:
Putting on makeup
Playing air guitar
Brushing their teeth
Playing with a dog (although it looked like the dog was actually driving)
Eating a sandwich
Flossing their teeth
Reading a newspaper or book
Arguing/Yelling at kids
And my favorite …. Playing the trumpet
Your turn. What have you seen other drivers doing? Better yet, which of these have you done?
Instead of blogging about a single subject, this week’s looks at a series of topics…
- Why doesn’t my spell check know that Facebook is one word?
- Prediction: in 50 years, we’ll have electricity delivered without the use of wires, eliminating power outages caused by storms and falling tree limbs.
- The gang on Scooby Doo, Where are you? always demonstrated the special effects employed by the villain, but they never explained how a dog could talk.
- Does drinking smoothies mean that I’m too lazy to chew my food?
- Someone posted a YouTube video entitled “160 Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Quotes.” After watching, I decided that it represents one of the basic differences between men and women. BTW, a sequel video shares 130 more quotes.
- Yes, we have to deal with lots of snow in Maine, but on the plus side, we also have shorter checkout lines at the supermarket.
- I wonder if other people are able to spoon yogurt out of the container without splashing it on the counter and cabinets.
- When you really think about it, shoveling snow is pretty much the act of moving the white stuff four feet.
- Addition to bucket list: meet Stephen King.
- The bank account I had as a kid paid 5 percent interest. Now that I actually have more than $87.65 in an account, I’m earning 0.20 percent.
- I’m hoping for a Ghostbusters 3.
- How hard does Santa really work? I mean, it’s only one night a year.
- Everything in life really can be explained by a Seinfeld episode.
- I’m certain that Bigfoot is so elusive because it’s hiding from Chuck Norris.
- I’ll never understand how the State of Maine can justify asking residents to pay sales tax on items purchased in tax-free New Hampshire.
- The exclamation point, the most overused punctuation element, must have a tremendous team of lobbyists behind it.
- Perhaps the Flowbee was ahead of its time.
- Wise words from the Rolling Stones: “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”
- Why is squash healthy but ice cream not? Can’t it be the other way around?
- The airplanes of today offer comfort, speed, and a record of safety that’s better than ever. Yet, with all this grand technology, the announcements from the crew are impossible to understand. Can’t they ask Bose or someone to help with that?
- Commercials for a medication to treat erectile dysfunction show a couple relaxing in bath tubs in the middle of a field. Ever wonder how they get water?
- Finally, a serious note: My Dad and uncles served in WWII. We should always be grateful for the sacrifice of that generation. And for those in the armed forces today.